Generic fear?

November 17, 2016 by Bonnie Hutchinson Leave a Comment

This article first appeared in my newsletter October 27, 2016. Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

Click here if you prefer to listen to the article.

So there I was, on the way to a couple of simple errands in a shopping mall in December, feeling completely neutral. I began to feel twinges of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

Instantly I thought of several things to be anxious about. (Never a shortage of those!) At the same time, none of the things I thought of seemed like what was causing the anxiety.

The feeling of anxiety grew more intense as I carried out my errands. I wondered if I was forgetting something I ought to be concerned about. When I returned to my car, I had to sit for a few minutes and take a few deep breaths before I felt ready to drive.

By the time I returned home, the anxiety feeling had diminished, but the whole experience seemed odd.

***

The next time I had a conversation with my mentor, I mentioned the experience. My mentor suggested that I ask myself, “How much of this was mine?”

What popped into my mind was, “Thirty per cent.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

She said, “About thirty per cent of that anxiety feeling was yours.”

What?

She explained. Some of us (possibly most of us) – whether we’re aware of it or not – are affected by the emotions and thoughts of people around us. We take in the energy of others’ emotions and thoughts. It feels like our thoughts or emotions, but really it’s not. We’re feeling the impact of what others are experiencing.

She also pointed out that, at a shopping mall during holiday season, it’s possible many people were feeling anxious.

***

This was a new concept. It took a while to absorb. But I remembered a couple of other experiences.

My work as an organizational consultant took me into many workplaces. Sometimes a staff room or a board room would feel awful whenever I entered it. One staff room felt “irritating” and I always wanted to get out of there. A board room felt oppressive and I’d begun to take “happy objects” to place unobtrusively when I had to work in that board room. It was like the complaints or the conflicts expressed in those rooms were still hanging around. The people may have left the room, but the energy of their thoughts and emotions lingered.

The phrase that popped into my mind was “generic fear.” It’s not personal. It’s not about me or anything in my life. It’s just generic fear energy. Rather than try to understand it or resolve it, just clear the energy.

From that insight, I learned from my mentor to ask, “How much of this is mine?” when I began to feel any sort of discomfort. I also learned techniques to “clear the energy” of a room or a situation. (If either of these topics interest you, send an e-mail to Bonnie@BonnieHutchinson.com and I’ll send you more information.)

***

Earlier today, I was reminded of my “generic fear” experience when I read an article called “Are You Feeling the Free Floating Anxiety?” by David Emerald and Donna Zajonc in their Power of TED* newsletter (link at the bottom of this article). The term “free-floating anxiety” is used to describe a feeling of anxiety that doesn’t come from a specific event or cause but seems to exist for no apparent reason.

The authors say a lot of anxiety seems to be floating around these days, and it’s affecting many of us, possibly more than we know.

Our typical responses to “nameless anxiety” – to try to figure out the source, or to do something to distract ourselves or dull the feeling – can actually make the anxiety worse.

Four things they suggest that may help are:

Recognize that “free floating anxiety” is real and may be affecting you.
Schedule time for breaks to replenish and disconnect from stressors; that will help dissipate anxiety.
Know you’re not the only one feeling this way, and let go of trying to figure it out.
Consciously choose to redirect your focus. Thinking about things you’re grateful for is a fast way to redirect your focus, which interrupts the anxiety.

***

P.S. If you send a request to Bonnie@BonnieHutchinson.com (my private direct e-mail) for more information about “How much of this is mine?” or “Clearing the energy of a space,” I’ll e-mail you more information.

P.P.S Here’s a link to the article called “Are You Feeling the Free Floating Anxiety?” by David Emerald and Donna Zajonc: http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?m=1102424221153&ca=b578ca74-4dd4-4676-bfaa-703ac9a5f93b

What I learned from watching someone else’s drama

November 10, 2016 by Bonnie Hutchinson Leave a Comment

This article first appeared in my newsletter October 21, 2016. Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

Click here if you prefer to listen to the article.

The scene: a workshop with about 70 participants from four continents.

The incident

Part 1: One of the workshop leaders disclosed something painful that was happening in his life. He said he wanted us to be aware of the situation but he did not want to discuss it with any of us. Specifically, he asked that we not approach him with condolences, advice, our similar experiences, questions or anything else. He asked us just to take in the information. Period.

Part 2: About half an hour later during an exchange of comments between a couple of workshop participants, someone said something that could be interpreted as a “zinger” directed at the workshop leader. A few people said, “Oooh.” Most of us could not see who made the comment. Shortly after that, we had a break.

Part 3: When the session resumed, the workshop leader said he had intended to ignore the comment but, upon someone else’s advice, had decided to let us know that he found the comment hurtful and asked that whoever had said it please speak with him during the next break.

Part 4: Later that day, the workshop leader and the person who had made the comment said they would like to tell us what happened when they spoke with each other.

The person who had made the comment was devastated. He’d actually intended the comment to be a compliment but as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized it could be misinterpreted. Subsequently hearing that the workshop leader felt hurt by the comment made the situation even worse. That tapped into memories of a painful childhood incident that left him feeling responsible for the death of an important adult in his life. At the workshop, one more time he felt responsible for hurting someone important to him.

By the end of the two men’s conversation, there was forgiveness all round. The workshop leader understood that the comment was intended as a compliment. The person who made the comment began to accept – emotionally as well as intellectually – that as a child he had not been responsible for a death; as an adult, he could let go of the guilt he’d carried for so long.

What I concluded

As a silent observer, what struck me about all this was that the triggering incident was just an incident. Not good, not bad, just something that occurred. With further information, it was clear no harm was intended. The incident did not cause the pain. What caused the pain was the meaning that people attached to the incident.

The workshop leader, and perhaps the people who said, “Oooh” when the comment was made, decided that the meaning of the comment was insulting and hurtful. The comment was not hurtful; the meaning they attached was hurtful.

I remembered times in my life – some of them recent! – when I attached a painful meaning to an incident when there were other ways to interpret that incident. Reframing the meaning of an experience can sometimes eliminate the pain.

Perhaps, as Robert Scheinfeld says in The Ultimate Key to Happiness, things are painful only if we decide to attach a painful meaning to them. If we can observe and acknowledge things without judgment, we’ll still have challenges but they are less painful – simply things to handle.

This is not to deny life’s painful experiences, like the loss of someone we love. It is to acknowledge that some of our pain is inflicted by our own thoughts, and we could choose other thoughts.

A second thing also struck me – and not for the first time. If we have some unfinished business or leftover emotion, it’s probably going to keep showing up until such time as we can resolve it and be a peace with it. There are processes to help us do that, but that’s another conversation!

In the meantime, the next time I’m feeling pained, I intend to challenge myself to find a different meaning!

P.S. You can find out more here about Robert Scheinfeld’s The Ultimate Key to Happiness: How to Be Happy All the Time No Matter What’s Going on Around You

Cause or effect? Yes!

October 26, 2016 by Bonnie Hutchinson Leave a Comment

This article first appeared in my newsletter October 14, 2016. Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

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A ton of hard data tells us that, however we might feel, in Canada, US, UK and Australia (countries where readers of this newsletter live), we have never in recorded history been safer or less vulnerable to violence or life-threatening illness. Our life expectancy is greater and risk of harm from physical danger is smaller than ever before.

So how come more people are feeling more threatened and more frightened? We read statistics about declining violence and do NOT feel safer. We wonder if the researchers took into account this or that example of how dangerous and violent our world has become. Why is that?

A recent Seth Godin blog post suggests one factor: cable news. He asks, “What if the fear and malaise and anger isn’t merely being reported by cable news… What if it’s being caused by cable news? What if ubiquitous video accompanied by frightening and freaked out talking heads is actually, finally, changing our culture? Which came first, the news or the news cycle? There’s always front page news because there’s always a front page.”

He says we seem to accept that what “the hegemony of bottom-feeding media” feeds us reflects the world we live in. In fact, it’s more likely that our perceptions of the world we live in reflects what mass media feeds us.

So what might drive cable news content?

Many years ago during training about how to get a message out to the public, I learned (based on credible statistics) that bad news attracts more attention than good news. If you can include tragedy and scandal in a story, possibly with some voyeurism into lives of people we’ve been taught to envy or revile, readership or viewership or listenership will increase.

If your purpose is to make money from advertising, the larger audience you can attract the more advertising revenue you can attract. To increase audience, the more outrageous the better.

So – on a day when infinitely more good things happen than bad, some media choose to emphasize the bad and scary things. In response, we feel scared and angry. That means there’s more fear and anger in the world, which creates more scary anger-triggering things to report. Action/reaction – both are causes and both are effects.

The bad-news media goals are pretty clear. Seth Godin says, “The real question is, what’s our goal? Every time we hook ourselves up to a device that shocks us into fear-based posture on a regular basis, we’re making a choice about the world and how we experience it.”

Mass media isn’t going away any time soon. Neither is the human tendency to be drawn in by bad news. So where does that leave us? With a conscious choice.

We can choose where we focus our attention. We can practice the techniques that help us catch ourselves – our emotions and thoughts and actions and words – and consciously choose where we focus our attention and what kind of presence we are in the world. When we catch ourselves reinforcing what we don’t want reinforced (and all of us do that, probably every day), we can reach for a more enlightened thought. That shifts our emotions which we express through our words and actions.

This is not about denial. It is about choosing how to respond to what we see, to the best of our ability moment to moment.

The next time you’re horrified or scared or outraged by what’s reported – and you notice your reaction – what else could you do? Here are some possibilities…

…Suspend judgment. Be open to the possibility that reports are inaccurate or incomplete.
…Take a moment to acknowledge your horror/fear/outrage and then take another moment to let that energy clear from your thoughts and emotions.
…Remember something that’s a happy contrast so you remember that all is not black.
…Choose to focus your attention on something that taps into your optimism and power.
…Remember that infinitely more positive things are going on than are ever reported.
…Imagine that you are inviting cosmic love to infuse dark situations.
…Think of something that makes you laugh.
…Think of something for which you feel grateful.

Oh yes. One other thing. You can always turn off the media.

There’s a start.

P.S. You can read the Seth Godin post here: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2016/10/cable-news.html

P.P.S. If this article resonated, you might appreciate the complimentary webcast, “Staying Sane” tomorrow (October 27). Register here to join us.

Thanks x 3

October 20, 2016 by Bonnie Hutchinson Leave a Comment

This article first appeared in my newsletter October 7, 2016. Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

Click here if you prefer to listen to the article.

When I was a child, I was told to “Count your blessings.”

The advice didn’t make me happy. It was usually said when I wanted something I didn’t have. The advice and whatever blessings I noticed felt to me like the consolation prize – what I settled for instead of what I really wanted. “Count your blessings” was right up there with cod liver oil – things that are supposedly good for you that feel wretched.

I have a different perspective now.

During the past several decades, I have learned through experience (first by accident and then by design) that the more I focus on things I appreciate, the happier I am.

Being thankful turns out to be an act of self-interest!

***

You might already have experienced that being grateful is good for your sense of well-being and your state of mind and mood. Now there is research to demonstrate that gratitude is good for your physical and mental health and your ability to achieve goals.

The Research Project on Gratitude and Thanksgiving was conducted by Dr. Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis, and Dr. Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas.

The study required several hundred people in three different groups to keep daily diaries. The first group kept a diary of the events that occurred during the day. The second group recorded their unpleasant experiences. The third group made a daily list of things for which they were grateful.

The results of the study showed that daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism and energy. The gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, was more likely to help others, exercised more regularly and made more progress toward personal goals.

According to the findings, people who feel grateful are also more likely to feel loved. Gratitude encouraged a positive cycle of reciprocal kindness among people because one act of gratitude encourages another. The researchers suggest that any of us can increase our sense of well-being and create positive social effects just from counting our blessings.

***

As an experiment heading into Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, I decided to consider things to be thankful for that are not the obvious ones that first pop into my mind – treasured people; living in a country of greater freedom and safety than in many parts of the world; the beauty of changing seasons…

Here are three things I thought of that I don’t usually even notice.

1. I’m alive! I am now more than ten years older than the average life expectancy in the year I was born. During my lifetime, average life expectancy has increased by about 20 years in Canada, US, UK and Australia (countries with readers of this newsletter).

When I consider my last ten years – which included joys and sorrows, achievements and disappointments, turbulence and stability, the births of another generation of precious family members, profound inner changes – I would not have missed a minute of it.

2. The kindness of strangers. I’m blessed to be surrounded by friends, relatives and colleagues I can count on to have my best interests at heart and I’m thankful for that every day. In the past few weeks, I’ve witnessed random acts of kindness by people with no vested interest – strangers holding doors and helping move heavy things; passengers switching seats on a plane so two people could sit beside each other; volunteers helping family members of children needing medical care far from their home. That’s heart-warming.

3. The luxury of inner exploration. For the past few millennia, most of our ancestors spent most of their time simply surviving. Who had time or inclination to reflect on the meaning of life? It recently occurred to me that my love of personal reflection time would not even have been possible in the lives of most people on the planet. The opportunity for spiritual growth might be the greatest gift of all.

***

So what are you thankful for? Thinking about it might give you more things to be thankful for!

Mixed emotions; coming to peace

October 13, 2016 by Bonnie Hutchinson Leave a Comment

This article first appeared in my newsletter September 30, 2016. Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

On the other side of the autumn equinox in the northern hemisphere, the days shorter than the nights, heading into the last quarter of this year, I’m feeling a curious combination of optimism, sadness, gritty determination, and a surprising sense of relief.

In my work and business life, some projects are at or near completion – I’m delighted and excited about that. I’m feeling gritty determination to move past some bad old habits and get on with a whole next phase of life. (An impending birthday has something to do with that. I really am in the later stages of this lifetime. Time to be a grown-up!) I’m optimistic that I have the motivation and the support to make good use of whatever time I have left.

Autumn is bittersweet – beauty abounds, but there’s sadness at summer’s end. Plant life is winding down, but schedules are cranking up with new activities.

In this autumn season, our extended family has had more than its share of illness and death. Two deaths have been expected for a while, but we didn’t know they would happen on two consecutive days. Even though we knew the deaths were near, I don’t know if any of us can ever really be ready.

The surprising sense of relief is that we are no longer waiting and wondering when treasured people will be leaving us. We don’t have to dread their passing; we just deal with it. We shift our attention to being there for the people closest to the ones who died.

It occurred to me that when something we have feared actually comes to pass, there is less stress than when we are still struggling to prevent it, resisting acceptance that it’s not in our power to prevent it, or dreading the inevitable. There is a surprising sense of relief and perhaps even a sense of peace when we can simply accept what is.

That reminded me of one of the important truths about things we fear. When we are able to confront fear, the thing we feared is almost never as painful as our battle to avoid it.