Bonnie Hutchinson

Thrive through Transitions

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Not feeling jolly? You’re not alone

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This article first appeared in my newsletter December 8, 2016.  Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

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Often in mid-December, there’s bustle and activity; some of us excited and happy for the holiday season; some of us feeling stressed and anxious; some of us experiencing both, maybe in the same five minutes.

As I notice myself and listen deeply to others, this year feels different. More than an average proportion of people I know are having a tough time. It’s more than just temporary stress or “having a bad day.” It’s not just shorter days and longer nights or the economy or whatever might have happened lately in our personal lives. This is something deeper.

I think an unusual proportion of us are in the midst of a soul-level transition. We’re not just changing superficially, we’re changing our identity, moving more deeply into we’re-not-sure-what. We’re questioning ourselves, our worth, our place in the world. We’re questioning the world. Some of us are even questioning whether we want to be in the world right now – though it seems to be the only one available to us at the moment.

The opportunity and the challenge. This is something like depression and something like grief and something like extreme self-doubt and something like hopelessness and certainly major transition is going on. Something is trying to emerge.

Many years ago, I was deeply moved by a piece I read by Joanna Macy. For most of her adult life, she’d been a leader, one who could see hope where others only saw impossible challenges. She was used to facing tough situations and finding ways through, inspiring others to join her in making a difference.

For perhaps the first time in her life, she was immobilized. She’d never experienced the kind of black thoughts and feelings she was experiencing. She didn’t even approve of them. One day when she just didn’t know what to do with herself she went into her studio, not even knowing why. She picked up a lump of clay and was mindlessly pummelling it and mushing it around, not even thinking about what she was doing.

The next day she returned to her studio and picked up the lump of clay. And she saw – without realizing it, she had created a piece that depicted new life beginning to emerge. That was the beginning of coming out of the dark place.

And the process she used to move through it? She called it “despair work.”  With some challenges, you can work around or over or under or simply turn your back and walk away. But with despair work, she found, the only way out of it is through it. She had to go into it more deeply in order to move through it.

And in the meantime…

If what you’re experiencing feels something like what might be “despair work,” or at least a major transition of some kind…

  1. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself like you would a small cherished pet that is not doing well. Not patronizing or coddling, simply recognizing that today is not a day to expect cheeriness or high energy. Practice as much self-love and self-care as you’re capable of – and forgive yourself if those angry thoughts of self-judgment and self-doubt won’t go away.
  2. Sit with it as much as you can.  I’ve come to the same conclusion as Joanna Macy did. The only way out of this is through it.  Don’t try to shake yourself out of it or blot it out or try to cheer up. Simply sit with it. It has often amazed me that when I stopped struggling and simply allowed myself to sit with how I felt, gradually something changed. And always, always – eventually – something deeper and lovely has emerged.
  3. Trust that it won’t last forever. Really! We are seasonal creatures, with ebbs and flows, highs and lows. Whatever we are experiencing in this moment will change. This too shall pass away.

And on the other side? Not bliss, not exultation, maybe not even happiness – but something very deep and calming. Maybe a deeper sense of meaning and purpose. More inner strength. Maturity, perhaps?  I’m not sure what the words are. But I do know that every time I’ve had one of these seasons of deep change, the other side has offered new and different gifts than anything that has come before.

And – if you’re happy and bubbly in this holiday season, enjoy! Savour every delightful moment of it. Find other happy folks and have fun. Play. You too are exactly in the right place at the right time. Be gentle with others who aren’t in your delightful space, but don’t waste one second being less happy than you are!

Feel-good words

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This article first appeared in my newsletter December 1, 2016.  Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

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Perhaps you’ve noticed this too.

An unanticipated benefit I’ve experienced in the past three weeks has been a flood of wise articles, quotes and reflections from people of depth.

I find I’m impatient with same-old same-old new-agey platitudes (though I’m happy for a new age!).  Don’t tell me, “It’s all good.”  I don’t believe that.

I’m also impatient with “The sky is falling” messages, or more analysis of how and why things are the way they are. Yeah yeah yeah, tell me something useful.

I’m hungry for words of depth, words that acknowledge without flinching and without catastrophizing, words that help me pull strength from within myself.

Here are excerpts from five of many messages that I’ve found meaningful. Some I already knew – they’re among my “go to” quotes. Others have been sent by friends, colleagues and readers – and they have my thanks.

Hope something in here resonates with you too…

~~~~~

    “It is time to stop feeding hate…
“This does not mean to withdraw from political conversation, but to rewrite its vocabulary. It is to speak hard truths with love. It is to offer acute political analysis that doesn’t carry the implicit message of, ‘Aren’t those people horrible?’…
“We need to confront an unjust, ecocidal system. Each time we do we will receive an invitation to give in to the dark side and hate ‘the deplorables.’ We must not shy away from those confrontations. Instead, we can engage them empowered by the inner mantra that my friend Pancho Ramos-Stierle uses in confrontation with his jailers: ‘Brother, your soul is too beautiful to be doing this work.’
“If we can stare hate in the face and never waver from that knowledge, we will access inexhaustible tools of creative engagement, and hold a compelling invitation to haters to fulfill their beauty.”
“The Election: Of Hate, Grief and a New Story” by Charles Eisenstein (November 10, 2016) http://charleseisenstein.net/hategriefandanewstory/

~~~~~

    “In the present moment there are no problems. There are only situations in which to respond. When you are present, you are free of limitations from the past and so your response is always appropriate, uncomplicated, and effective.”
Journey Into Now by Leonard Jacobson (2007), Conscious Living Publications, La Selva Beach, CA USA. Find out more from Amazon.

~~~~~

    “…You must learn to cope with this energy. You cannot reason with it because it is entirely destructive. Instead you must hold steady within yourself and observe its wild behavior from a position of power. If you do this, it will not be able to feed on you. Your steadiness will help contain its rapacious energy and it will not be able to do as much damage as it would otherwise…
“…Be mindful of who you are! You are a great being, here on earth to occupy a steady place in an unsteady world. You can do this! You are not weak and helpless. Within yourself you carry the great holding power of Yin. Call on it now. Live with it. Be as you were born to be…
“…We ask one more thing of you. At this time reach out to one another in service. Many are suffering now. Feed the hungry, visit people in hospitals and prisons, provide shoes to those who need them, help the animals. If each of you plunge into one activity of service, together you will do great good, turning many hearts to light. Find a service project for yourself. We ask this of you because we know who you are. You are our hands and hearts on earth. You are greatness itself.”
Excerpts from Sharon McErlane, Net of Light and Grandmothers Speak, channelled message from The Great Council of Grandmothers, November 12, 2016. http://www.netoflight.org/

~~~~~

    “As I look at the world today, I am aware of how miniscule one person may seem to the systemic actions in front of our eyes yet, oddly, I ask you to laugh at such shrinking of our potential. For the Divine does not make mistakes and nearly every sacred tradition says we who exist were imagined since the beginning of time. What does that mean? Simple. We were made for this moment.”
and
“Let go of the doubt in the power of your story, even if it seems miniscule. Let go of the doubt in the power of your voice, even if you believe it is a whisper. For even if your contribution to a better world seems like a small step, never doubt the power of a micro-strategy done with a macro-intent.”
In Times of Terror, Wage Beauty by Mark Gonzales(2014), http://thinkdisrupt.ca and http://wagebeauty.com  Find out more from Amazon.

~~~~~

And finally, two quotes within an excerpt!

Here’s where many of us get stuck, thinking of how little power we possess compared to the enormity of our nation’s problems. So let’s listen to the wisdom of writer and archivist Wendell Berry who reminds us that, when it comes to big problems, there’s never been one big answer, only a million-million little ones. If you believe that the little thing you’re doing can’t possibly make a big-picture difference, remember Berry’s words:

We don’t have a right to ask whether we’re going to succeed or not. The only question we have a right to ask is, ‘What’s the right thing to do?’

In a Hindu epic called the Ramayana, there’s a maxim President Kennedy turned to during hard times – one that often comes back to me as I make my way through the opening years of this challenging century:

There are three things that are real: God, human folly and laughter. The first two are beyond our comprehension, so we must do what we can with the third.”

Excerpts from “Our November Surprise: I Predicted the Winner” by Parker Palmer, November 9, 2016. http://www.onbeing.org/blog/parker-palmer-our-november-surprise-i-predicted-the-winner/9033

~~~~~

As I read these words, I feel myself strengthening – not in a “power-over” way but in a determination to be responsible for my own vibration, tapping into inner strength I may never have discovered before, perhaps because it was never so needed before.

Hope something like that is happening for you too.

What makes you mad – and so what?

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This article first appeared in my newsletter November 18, 2016.  Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

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A powerful emotion

For most of my life, I’ve been frightened of anger. For much of my life, I didn’t recognize my own anger. This week, in part triggered by the US election, I’ve been reflecting on anger – my own and other people’s.

If we have any doubt about the power of anger, we can look to the US election. Anger was a big factor in the results. Some people’s anger was a driving motivator that led them to support the candidate who won, who was brilliant at tapping into that current of anger. Some people’s anger was a driving motivator that led them to withhold their support from the candidate who lost – though they may not have supported the other candidate either.

The country and the world will deal with the impact of the results (as they would have, whatever the results).

Childhood terror

As a child, I learned to be terrified of other people’s anger. Whether at home, at school or in the community, I experienced two kinds of anger (probably more, but this is what I remember).

Cool controlled anger, cutting words spoken in a level tone, stabbed me to the heart, made me feel like a defective human being, and caused me to be consumed with shame.

Hot explosive anger, shouting and hitting, immobilized me with terror, made me want to disappear, and left me shattered for days.

I’m guessing the grown-ups in my life had no idea of their impact. As an imperfect adult, I know I too have expressed anger in both these ways. Some of the things I most regret from my life so far are words or actions taken in anger. Some injuries cannot be repaired, and I live with that.

What I learned to do about anger was everything in my power to avoid it by trying to placate or please others, to hide from it by being as invisible and silent as possible, and not even to allow myself to feel my own anger. In short, fear and suppression.

Not everyone had my reaction to anger. Some people relish it. I once lived with a person who said, “I enjoy my rages.” (Naturally, with my aversion to anger, I would choose to have someone in my life who could help me with that!)

There’s much more to say, but here are some things I know now, that I didn’t when I was a child.

Anger is just a form of energy

As a child, I could not distinguish between the anger itself, and the words or actions people used to express their anger. But – whether electricity or nuclear energy or human emotion – forms of energy are neutral. How you use the energy is what makes the difference.
Nuclear energy can provide heat and light to millions of people – a gift. Nuclear energy can kill millions of people and destroy and contaminate everything in its path – a travesty.

Anger can fuel motivation to right injustices and solve problems. Anger can fuel motivation to harm people or even kill them. The anger itself is not the issue. It’s how the anger is used.

Anger is a secondary emotion

Before the anger, there was something else – fear or grief or pain. Looking at what came before the anger gives us a clue to parts of our lives that could use some healing or extra attention. The less time we spend blaming others, the more we can discover where we have power to make useful changes.

We are each responsible for what we do with our anger

Part of being a grown-up is taking full responsibility for our words and actions.

Out of control anger? I have experienced those flashes of rage when it almost feels as if some other power has taken over my body. And… I do not believe it was impossible to control my words or actions in those moments.

A counsellor who works with men who have been violent towards their wives or girlfriends told me one way he responds when someone says, “I was so mad I couldn’t stop myself.”
Counsellor:  Mmm. Do you have a boss?
Client: Yeah.
Counsellor:  Do you ever get mad at your boss?
Client: Yeah.
Counsellor: Have you ever hit your boss?
Client:  Are you crazy? No.
Counsellor:  Ah. So sometimes you can control it.

Anger is a great wake-up call

Our anger alerts us to what matters to us, to things we may have ignored. We can acknowledge the anger, and let ourselves feel it. We find safe and respectful ways to express it.

Then we can go to work and use the fuel of anger to make positive changes in our lives and the lives of those around us.

Some of the best things I’ve done in my life have been the result of anger. I’ve left or changed abusive situations. I’ve changed lifetime habits for the better. I’ve stood up to bullies. I’ve sometimes been blessed to be in a position to take on causes of other people who were not in a position to fight back. I had nothing to lose; they did; so I could write the letters, have the conversations, speak to decision makers, and change some abusive unjust situations.

So… what makes you mad?
What’s that telling you? And what next?

I don’t talk politics EXCEPT…

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This article first appeared in my newsletter November 10, 2016.  Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

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I don’t comment on politics in this newsletter, and I’m not going to start now.

EXCEPT – It’s two days after the American presidential election. Yesterday, everywhere I went (in a Canadian city!) it’s all anyone was talking about. This morning my inbox was full of more commentary. Here’s some of what I’ve been thinking. I hope it’s relevant to you, and in alignment with the purpose of this newsletter.

***

Here in Alberta Canada, we’ve experienced three elections in the past year and a half. We were eligible to vote in two of them.

The provincial election in May 2015 and the federal election in October 2015 had many of us talking politics and what kind of province and country we want; who we liked and who we didn’t. It seems the US election was the topic of even more conversations than the two elections in which we could vote.

***

Our polarities were in sharp focus. Rural. Urban. Economy. Environment. Gender. Inclusion. Protection. And that other issue – in all three elections, some of us didn’t like any available option. Which was the least awful alternative?

Then there was the polarity of reactions. We could look at the same results and have wildly different emotions and thoughts.

Shock. Outrage. Grief. Fear. What will become of us now?
Joy. Hope. Vindication. Excitement. What could be possible now?

***

With our polarities on such visible display, we are in great danger. We may begin to demonize those with whom we disagree, and tear apart our countries and communities.

The old politics of “right” and “left” do not serve us any more.

The old ideologies of capitalism and socialism do not serve us any more.

To solve our genuine problems, we need to reach out and understand people who not only think differently than we do, but people with whom we are uncomfortable. People we don’t like; people we have held in contempt; people we don’t trust; people we fear.

***

Last week I had an instructive experience. I was with someone that I decided a long time ago has such different views that it’s better to keep our conversations to chit chat. The person made a comment I disagreed with. Usually I would discount the comment mentally and think of a way to change the subject.

Instead, I surprised myself by asking an open-ended question to invite a longer response. As I actually listened, I began to see something differently than I have before. What I thought was black/white yes/no right/wrong had other possibilities. I could feel my mind expanding. More importantly, I could feel my appreciation of the person expanding.

***

Even people (like me!) who think we are somewhat open-minded, have parts of our belief systems carved in stone. We think we know absolute truth about what is right or wrong, true or false.
We need to hold fast to our values while being willing to listen until – though we may not change our minds – we at least understand what the other person believes.

Then we may find common ground. We may even be able to see ways to solve our intractable problems, whether it’s a family circumstance, a community project, an economy that serves us all or environmental actions that allow future generations to survive and flourish within the finite limits of our planet.

***

If you can’t make yourself listen because it’s kind and considerate, do it for pure self-interest.
The essence of brilliant salesmanship is to understand what matters to potential clients (or friends and relatives!) and provide solutions or new possibilities that they believe will enrich their lives. The essence of brilliant negotiating is to understand what matters most to opposing sides and figure out a way to provide that to both sides. The essence of a stable economy – whether personal or national – is to provide products and services that solve others’ problems or create desirable new possibilities.

That all involves the ability to listen until deep understanding is achieved.

***

There. That’s one of the places my mind went after the US presidential election. Hope it’s relevant!

A touch of beauty – and macro-intent

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This article first appeared in my newsletter November 3, 2016.  Click here to sign up to receive my online newsletter.

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Six friends gathered for dinner and conversation. Our hostess had Stargazer lilies – in this fall-into-winter season. What a treat!

Lilies – especially Stargazer lilies – are one of my favourite flowers. To see them in this season of shortening days was pure delight. The lilies lit up the room. Their scent permeated. They definitely enhanced the pleasure of our dinner and conversation.

As we left, our hostess gave each of us a lily flower that had not yet opened. “Put it in a glass of water beside your bed,” she said. “When you wake up it will be open and you’ll have that wonderful smell.”

So I did.

***

The first morning the lily had opened just slightly but I could indeed smell that lovely scent. I smiled and carried on with the activities of the day.

On the second morning the lily had opened and it was glorious. The scent was stronger. I carried it into the kitchen; smiled at it over breakfast; took it with me as I moved to my office.

Later that day I was hosting an online webcast. Front and centre in my line of vision, the lily was smiling back at me as I spoke on the webcast. Inspiring!

I’m writing this on the third morning. The lily is in full radiant bloom and the scent is even stronger. I’m carrying the lily from room to room so I can see it while I move from one activity to another. Every time I flick my eyes in the direction of the lily, I smile.

The lily is lifting my heart and spirit and increasing my optimism. Such a gift!

***

A few days before the dinner with friends, I’d been reading a book called In Times of Terror, Wage Beauty by Mark Gonzales.

I’d been thinking about the state of the world, and how our thoughts and emotions are impacted by unsettling and traumatic world events, even when we’re not directly affected by the events.

I’d been thinking about how to stay sane and healthy even when some things in the world seem insane. I was also noticing how sometimes I feel powerless and discouraged in the face of events that seem appalling to me, but over which I have no influence.

***

In his book, In Times of Terror, Wage Beauty, Mark Gonzales talks about how we might not feel like we can do much, but we have more power than we know.

This quote stopped me cold, and reverberated for days:
“Even if your contribution to a better world seems like a small step, never doubt the power of a micro-strategy done with macro-intent.”

Macro-intent?
What a concept!
I can do macro-intent.
However tiny my direct impact may seem, I am absolutely capable of having a macro-intent, like “be a positive presence in the world” or “contribute to highest good of all” even when I don’t know what the highest good is.

I also remember the African saying:  “If you think you’re too small to make a difference, spend a night with a mosquito.”

***

I’m looking at one little lily flower, and noticing all the ways it’s enhanced my week. Our hostess’s “macro-intent” was to bring some pleasure to her friends. That lily has done so much more than that for me in just a few days.

lilyTheme of the week is worth repeating:  Never doubt the power of a micro-strategy done with a macro-intent.

One more quote from Mark Gonzales: “As I look at the world today, I am aware of how minuscule one person may seem to these sustaining actions in front of our eyes. Yet oddly, I ask you to laugh at such shrinking of our potential, for the divine does not make mistakes and nearly every sacred tradition says we who exist were imagined since the beginning of time. What does that mean? Simple. We were made for this moment.”

Make it a macro-intent week!